We’re Done. Time to Make Room for the Next Species

I think this represents the absolute pinacle of human evolution.

Asking a convenience store clerk to use a microwave oven to warm a fake penis full of real urine in order to pass a drug test resulting in a call to 911 and a guilty plea against a disorderly conduct charge? If you somehow cast Scarlett Johansson, Charlton Heston and Samuel L. Jackson in an Peabody award-winning short, animated music video about this you would have perfectly encapsulated the last 30 years of the American Experience. The fact that the defense attorney is named “Difenderfer………………………………………………………

I’m sorry, that sound you just heard–that of a perfectly-balanced Shure cartridge drawn violently across the grain of a vintage white vinyl White Album with the volume cranked to 11–that was all my gestalt circuit breakers tripping with Tesla arcs of irony and zeitgeist. Check back with me tomorrow, when hopefully I will have awakened as an ascended cyborg.

2 thoughts on “We’re Done. Time to Make Room for the Next Species”

  1. doesn’t that article say that Leslye Creighton, later referred to as “she,” planned to use the fake penis with warmed urine to pass a drug test? Wouldn’t a woman sporting a penis that dispensed urine of temps ranging from 75-140 degrees arouse suspicion? I have reread this and it just gets worse each time.

  2. … and, why would the convenience store clerk, after identifying the object as a penis and notifying the police, still proceed to microwave it?

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