Why oh why would you offer me a Bennigan’s Monte Cristo sandwich (or Monte Cristo panini? WTF?!) for $3.99? I’ve managed to not eat one of these artery-clogging monsters in at least six years. Why bring it up now at an almost irresistible price? What are you trying to do to me, Valpak? Why give me any additional enticement to enter a restaurant that sells something called “Death by Chocolate,” the only restaurant dish known to humans that allows one to augment and replenish its hard shell chocolate coating at the table? I think the answer is clear: you’re just evil. Evil, evil Valpak.

Bennigan’s Monte Cristo sandwich: $3.99
Having a heart attack at age 40: Priceless!